I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile. Then walk into a wall.

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Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

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My door camera alerts are all just me stepping outside to see how warm it is.

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No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.

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Once you book a trip, it becomes hard to focus on life.

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“Seize the day!” No thank you. I will leave the day alone and hope it extends me the same courtesy.

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I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

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I could have been the favorite mistress of the Sun King at Versailles, but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism.