If I turned into a “teen wolf”, my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships.

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If I’m too quiet you can rest assured I’m in the process of planning my sweet escape or your equally sweet demise.

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I am like the weather. Temporarily friendly.

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Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks.

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Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

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Imagine being a giraffe and having to throw up.

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I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado.

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Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

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Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy.”

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I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

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Welcome to your 40s—you run out of breath trying to find your running shoes.