If she says “it’s fine,” you’re probably in trouble.

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Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly? I feel that way about far too many people.

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People who live in glass houses shouldn’t change clothes.

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Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her.

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Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

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You haven’t experienced proper anger until you have a sister.

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Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet.

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The real advantage of being self-employed is that you don’t have to go to a Christmas party.

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The one thing to know about me is I always get the last laugh. And oh yes, it’s maniacal.

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Opinions are like air fryers. Everyone’s got one and they won’t stop banging on about them.

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As you get older, you suddenly realize that the Smurf who hates everything is the normal one.