If you’re in first class on a flight, sometimes they upgrade you to captain.

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I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

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I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much).

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I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.

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Ever since I was a little kid, I knew that I wanted to be late for work.

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Eat whatever you want. If someone calls you fat, eat them too.

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I don’t like violence, but I don’t mind if I get hit by luck.

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A driver that delivers Indian food is called a curryer.

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Getting up early would be easier if we could keep our eyes closed.

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Lego bricks are classic educational toys. You step on them once and you can do ballet.

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You should be able to call out of work if your partner is so cozy and warm in the morning.