I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognized him by lunch time.

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Guys only want one thing and it’s my grandmother’s meatball recipe.

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I wish I was mysterious, but unfortunately I just can’t keep my mouth shut.

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My kids couldn’t care less about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere.

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Do regular dogs see police dogs and think, “Oh no, it’s a cop”?

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“You’re a flirt!” God forbid a girl has good communication skills.

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They say it is hard to look at lips that you are not allowed to kiss. You do not know how hard it is to look at a face that you are not allowed to hit.

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One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.

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I hate it when I’m outside, and an insect lands and crawls on my glasses, and for a split second, I think aliens have invaded.

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If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.

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You should be allowed to speed if good music is playing.