I’m tired of pretending talking about the weather isn’t fun.

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You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

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The show “How I Met Your Mother” was just a really long TED talk.

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Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band.

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They should invent friends whose schedules line up with yours.

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On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?

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That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

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I love all mythical creatures. Vampires, werewolves, unicorns, kids who listen.

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That moment you turn down the music while driving around looking for a street address, so you can see better.

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Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

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Yes, I do talk to myself, everyone else just wants to argue with me.