Imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog.

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And for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

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I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian.

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Some of you need to clean your room before you take a selfie.

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But if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job.

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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a car.

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Wolves should really raise more people.

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I grew up in a kinder, gentler age. We pitied our fools.

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If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.

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Farmers markets should be for vegetables — not for millennials unloading their failed Etsy-store arts and crafts.

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Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.