Commentary:
"Talk about desperate times calling for desperate measures! 😂🏃♂️🩴 Hopefully next time there's a different kind of 'exercise' involved!"
New funny quotes β¨
Commentary:
"Relationship status: he escaped 🏃♂️ Maybe I should start using handcuffs instead of just tying knots in the relationship 🤣 #RunawayLover"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
Commentary:
"Being an adult is like being handed a manual written in invisible ink and being expected to navigate life without a GPS… or a clue 🤷♂️🔍 #LostInAdulthood"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- Tired of being the responsible adult. When can I become the irresponsible adult?
- When you’re a child, you want to be a teenager. When you’re a teenager, you want to be an adult. When you’re an adult, you want to be a cat.
- Since the beginning of time itself, people have been wondering, what the hell is going on?
- Always stay crazy. Otherwise you’ll go crazy.
- I’m just a crazy person looking for a crazy person who finds me completely normal.
Commentary:
"Ah, the luxurious life of a horse – wake up, munch on some hay, then doze off on it. Truly the embodiment of 'living the dream' 🐴🥖☀️ #HayGoals"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
- My two moods are eating a breakfast sandwich or wishing I was eating a breakfast sandwich.
- It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
- I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
- I wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating Snickers for breakfast in bed.
Commentary:
"Whoever missed the opportunity to name diarrhea medicine 'Gonorrhea' must've been too busy laughing! 💩😂 Sometimes a missed chance is a real, uh, relief! 😉"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea.
- I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet because I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
- I think it’s clear that companies making medicine have no idea what fruits taste like.
- I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
- What electric cars and diarrhea have in common is the fear of not making it home.
Commentary:
"Who needs fun when you've got alcohol? It's like a liquid party in a bottle! 🍸🎉 Just remember to drink responsibly… or not, we won't judge!"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- I was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until I realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol.
- Alcohol: When you want to run away from your problems without moving.
- Not to brag but I don’t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
- A web developer and an SEO expert walk into a bar, bars, nightclub, pubs, tavern, beer, alcohol, drinks, alcoholic beverages, bars in my area, places to drink.
- No thanks, social media influencers. I prefer making decisions the old-fashioned way: under the influence of alcohol.

About 40 muscles are activated when you eat just one donut. Follow me for more fitness advice.
Commentary:
Oh, so you're saying eating a donut counts as a workout now? 🍩💪 Talk about muscle activation in the tastiest way possible! 😂 Who needs a gym membership when you've got a box of donuts, am I right? 🤷♂️ #FitnessGoals #DonutLover
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
- If you start liking someone, just block them. Follow me for more relationship advice.
- Ironically people who are good at giving advice find it difficult to follow their own.
- A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
- Update on my fitness journey: My wife just handed me a bag of apples at the market and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

What if babies had two umbilical cords and if you cut the wrong one, it exploded?
Commentary:
"Talk about explosive parenting! 💥👶 Just imagine the chaos in the delivery room… Cut the right cord, or boom goes the dynamite! 😂🤯 #BabyBoom"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- Just walked by an empath and his head exploded.
- When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school. Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
- I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
- Women do not snore. The sound they make at night is just the rewinding of the vocal cords.
- I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.
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To everyone who wrote βstay coolβ in my year book, I have some devastating news.
Commentary:
Uh-oh! Looks like that ship has sailed straight into hot waters! 🔥🚢 Keep the ice packs handy, folks! ❄️😂 #CoolForThought
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
- Good news: I set an all time high today! Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
- I hate everyone in front of me at this checkout line, everyone behind me is cool.
- Good news: I only ate one slice of pizza. Bad news: I did that four times in a row.
- Twitter is cool because you can figure out what’s going on in the world through memes instead of watching the news.

After careful consideration, I think Iβd have way more fun if I was incredibly stupid.
Commentary:
"Decisions, decisions… 🤔 Who knew stupidity could be so tempting? 😂 Perhaps the key to eternal happiness lies in embracing the blissfully ignorant side! 🤪 #LifeGoals"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- The perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. Preferably siblings. But they can’t both be the same type of stupid. One needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying).
- The most attractive thing a man can do is hitting his own head and repeating “stupid, stupid, stupid”.
- I am so incredibly tired today. I think my shelf life has expired.
- I think one quality that makes me incredibly attractive is that I keep my mouth shut when I have nothing to say.
- Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
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Being single for Valentine’s Day is way better than being in the wrong relationship.
Commentary:
"Who needs a bouquet of wilted roses and awkward dinners when you can have all the chocolates to yourself and binge-watch your favorite TV show instead? 🍫💁♀️ #SingleAndWinning"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head.
- Superwoman: Single. Batman: Single. Wonder Woman: Single. I get it now, I’m single because I’m a superhero.
- Every Reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
- I’m a single issue voter. I’m single and it’s an issue.
- Started the year single. Ending the year single. Consistency is key.