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I’ve arrived like the sun: blinding, necessary, and impossible to ignore.

I’ve arrived like the sun: blinding, necessary, and impossible to ignore.

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"Just call me Vitamin D, because I'm here to shine and nobody can avoid me! ๐Ÿ˜Žโ˜€๏ธโœจ"



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Welcome to Wordgag! ๐Ÿ˜‰โœŒ๏ธ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’ฅ

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Sober in a taxi: Please. Stop talking to me. Drunk in a taxi: … And that, Mick, is why I’m emotionally unavailable, I suppose.

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When my husband says he’ll just be a minute, I know I have enough time to watch an entire television series, paint the house, or go on a quest.

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I have almost 100,000 miles on my office chair. So I got that going for me.

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I have no idea how dishwasher tablets work. I’ve already taken five of them, and I still don’t feel like doing the dishes!

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โ€œQuitโ€ is not in my vocabulary but โ€œresignโ€, โ€œdrop outโ€, and โ€œgive upโ€ are.

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If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say โ€œI donโ€™t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat youโ€ that usually shuts them up.

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If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”

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You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.

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Never cry at the weekend. Cry at work, at least then you’ll get paid for it.

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I love it when my dog suddenly gets up and goes to another part of the house. Did you just remember you left the stove on or something?

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