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I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning, but I also want to be happy.

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Interviewer: Can I get you anything? Me: Yeah, a job!

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I generally don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I’m really good at it.

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My theory is that women’s voices contain frequencies that men simply can’t hear.

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People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch.

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How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

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Nothing more dangerous than an ignorant man who thinks he is a genius.

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You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.

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I don’t drink coffee all the time. I take breaks in between to make another one.

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Whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy.