My first thought upon waking up in the morning is “not again”.

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Country music is for men who need a little help crying.

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And so ends another week without me getting rich unexpectedly.

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I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

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Just had a crazy revelation: you can eat in the airport after your flight, too.

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Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.

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Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

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Unpopular Opinion: Die Hard is a Harry Potter movie. He sneaks around a tower at night avoiding Alan Rickman.

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Idiocracy wasn’t supposed to be a documentary.

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If life could stop teaching me lessons, that would be great.

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90% of parenting is wondering when you can lie down again.