My last straw is way longer than I thought.

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Sending your selfies to NASA because you’re a star.

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I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

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The worst person to share a room with is someone who puts on 10 alarms 2 mins apart each, and wakes up at none.

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This post is invisible, and only heathens can see it.

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Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

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Asking the birds outside my window if they know any Metallica.

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You know you’re mature when you go to the dentist and you are no longer afraid of pain, but of how much it costs.