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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇳 has copied:

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, but the very next day, Guantanamo Bay.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has downloaded:

The days will soon be shorter again. Then it won’t rain for so long.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has shared:

If I ever went to jail for murder, it would be for murdering my printer.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has viewed:

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

Someone from 🇪🇬 has downloaded:

Today I was in a taxi, and the taxi driver said, “I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do!” Then I said, “Turn left.”

Someone from 🇦🇺 has bookmarked:

80 percent of my life now is just “hmmmm… should I bring my jacket or not?”

Someone from 🇸🇧 has viewed:

The word ‘stan’ comes from the Eminem song “Stan” which is about one of his obsessed fans. What if Eminem named the fan ‘Dennis’? We could be saying, “I dennis Beyonce.”

Someone from 🇵🇬 has copied:

I’m at a point in life where I’m just at a point.

Someone from 🇫🇯 has copied:

They should invent a weekend that goes by slowly.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has shared:

Ugh, but profoundly.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

2385 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

12,547

Funny Quotes Topics

15,226

Funny Quotes Images

12,547

12 minutes ago

3,458

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Messenger:

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life. l’ll call it my oughtabiography.

Going viral on Messenger:

I keep pressing the space bar, but I’m still on Earth.

Trending via LinkedIn:

I hate it when my AirPods die instead of me.

Going viral on Telegram:

I’m really glad that light only attracts insects. Imagine wild boars would come knocking at your windows all the time.

Live now on LinkedIn:

One day you’re young and fun and the next you’re saying, “What kind of trees are those?”

Making waves on Facebook:

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

Trending via Reddit:

For Valentine’s Day, I’m gift-wrapping a shirt my husband hasn’t worn in years. It’s the thought that counts—and technically, I thought of it twice.

Spreading quickly via Facebook:

I’m so single, even my husband won’t match with me on Tinder.

Shared recently on Messenger:

Pets don’t talk because the moment they do, the government will tax them.

Making waves on Slack:

All my passwords are protected, by my poor memory.

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

6 months ago

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

Download image ↓

Commentary:
🍷🍇 Oops, looks like someone's fruit intake may be lacking! Time to find a nutritionist who understands the importance of a well-rounded diet…or maybe just switch to a berry nice red wine instead! 😉🍓 #WineLover #HealthyEatingGoals

advice, count, diet, different, fruit, health, humor, i, me, need, nutritionist, source, told, wine

Trending Funny Quotes 👇

New Funny Quotes

Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Trending Topics 📁

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

2385 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

12,547

Funny Quotes Topics

15,226

Funny Quotes Images

12,547

12 minutes ago

3,455

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇭🇹 has shared:

If I go missing and you put my weight on that poster, I swear I’m not coming back.

Someone from 🇸🇩 has downloaded:

I feel like my greatest accomplishment today has been not saying what I’m thinking out loud.

Someone from 🇮🇸 has shared:

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

Someone from 🇮🇷 has downloaded:

I’m here by unpopular demand.

Someone from 🇸🇮 has viewed:

What’s your favorite song about a white boy playing funky music?

Someone from 🇺🇿 has shared:

I’m not going to die because of an accident. Nor because of an illness. But from small talk. Someone will say one boring sentence too many and I’ll drop dead.

Someone from 🇲🇬 has downloaded:

It’s okay to love your job. Just know it doesn’t love you back.

Someone from 🇵🇬 has copied:

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

Someone from 🇳🇴 has copied:

Can you lose weight by running away from your feelings?

Someone from 🇲🇹 has shared:

I’m so toxic, I can fight for a relationship I don’t even want.

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Twitch:

Please don’t send me mixed signals, I don’t even understand the clear ones.

Trending via X:

Sometimes I feel useless, but then I remember I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants.

Freshly posted on Telegram:

Women only want one thing and it is to walk down a dimly-lit cobblestone street with the devil.

Just shared via Facebook:

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

Reported on Twitch:

This is the dumbest apocalypse ever.

Making waves on Slack:

I knew I had issues when motivational speakers started to irritate me.

Making waves on Threads:

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check social media, because if he does, all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

Going viral on Facebook:

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists.

Trending via Slack:

November is for turtlenecks and depression.

Shared recently on X:

Tariff this, tariff that. When is somebody gonna tariff my clothes and kiss me?

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