My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door.

Someone from 🇩🇿 has downloaded:

I won’t bore you with my problems because all of my problems are fascinating.

Someone from 🇹🇱 has viewed:

A clever man fills his wife’s closet with so many clothes that no other man can fit in.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has bookmarked:

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has downloaded:

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall. It took me a moment to realize they meant “Autumn,” not the collapse of civilization.

Someone from 🇨🇬 has downloaded:

Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.

Someone from 🇻🇨 has bookmarked:

Mission Impossible theme song plays in my head when I’m trying to remember a password.

Someone from 🇵🇰 has viewed:

You can’t confuse me. I already don’t know what’s going on.

Someone from 🇦🇲 has downloaded:

I’m an adult, but not the ‘makes positive life choices’ kind.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has copied:

Whenever I’m with real yappers, I realize I might actually be a listener.

Someone from 🇨🇻 has viewed:

Giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang.