Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.

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Apparently, responding to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong. I know that now.

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My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

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Look away from your laptop for 1 second, and MS Teams will say you left the country.

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Find someone who looks at you the way I look at a cheeseburger.

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Stop checking up on your friends, and check up on me.

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Good morning, dickhead, your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.

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The cold water does not get warmer if you jump late.

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We are so shocked by “Butthead” that we ignore the strangeness of the name “Beavis”.

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I need a six-month vacation twice a year.

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Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake. Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable.