Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

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Traveling back in time to proudly inform Benjamin Franklin that my stove has wifi.

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Kids be like: “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it.”

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People who don’t talk to themselves are the weird ones.

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What kind of psychopath wants to be the life of the party?

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Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

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Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here.

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There are real people living amongst us who pay for Discord Nitro.

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I need something good to watch while I’m on my phone.

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Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

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Funny thing about zombie movies – they never seem to go after the cameraman.