“New password cannot be your old password” makes me so mad.

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People said follow your dreams, so I went back to bed.

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Farmers markets should be for vegetables — not for millennials unloading their failed Etsy-store arts and crafts.

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Quitting my job to focus on being in love.

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Due to foreseen circumstances well within my control I will be late.

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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.

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The more you embrace your crazy side, the more fun life becomes.

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The older I get, the more I understand why people live in the woods and talk to squirrels.

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The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

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Sorry that I cannot come out drinking with you tonight, as I will be drinking at home. Alone. By myself.

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Cats spend two-thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.