Not to brag but there are so many movies out there that have watched me sleep.

Someone from 🇬🇼 has downloaded:

I’m basically the human version of tangled up Christmas lights.

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You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks, I had lunch yesterday.”

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If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand. Now put it over your mouth.

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If you’re dating an alpha female, you need to know that they need to be babied at night, or else they will turn into a dragon.

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I don’t always have time to fold laundry, but when I do, I don’t.

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I hate it when I’m outside, and an insect lands and crawls on my glasses, and for a split second, I think aliens have invaded.

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Who needs a dominatrix when you can be beaten up by an automatically retracting vacuum cleaner cable?

Someone from 🇳🇪 has downloaded:

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

Someone from 🇨🇺 has downloaded:

I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

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The concept of a drive-by doesn’t really exist in the swamp biome; instead, people rap about doing bog-emerges.