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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇹🇱 has bookmarked:

You can tell it’s desperate times the way spam messages have gone from fantasies like ‘I am a prince and I want to give you money’ to ‘I am an HR manager and I have a real job for you!’

Someone from 🇨🇦 has viewed:

Twitter is like a psych ward with no staff.

Someone from 🇧🇮 has bookmarked:

You never realize what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has bookmarked:

Girl, are you an Uber driver? Because you are driving me to drink.

Someone from 🇸🇰 has bookmarked:

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your dog can stay home for the hour you’re at the grocery store or restaurant.

Someone from 🇬🇧 has bookmarked:

Accessories can really boost a woman’s self-confidence. For example, I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times.

Someone from 🇦🇱 has shared:

I’ve reached the conclusion that all men love thigh high stockings.

Someone from 🇬🇪 has copied:

You’ll never realize how crazy you really are until you fall in love.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has bookmarked:

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand …”

Someone from 🇨🇭 has copied:

The older I get, the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin.

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Updated

Jan 19, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via YouTube:

I had big plans to sleep in today, but my bladder canceled.

Just landed via Messenger:

At 20, I was unstoppable; at 30, I’m just unstartable.

Just landed via Slack:

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

Next time I feel butterflies, I’m chugging down a bottle of tequila so they drown.

Just landed via Discord:

If you want to impress me with your car, it better be a food truck.

Live now on Pinterest:

Not to brag, but I ate all of my bananas before they turned brown. Don’t be jealous.

Shared recently on Twitch:

When I watch hockey, I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

Spotted on Threads:

If I turned into a “teen wolf”, my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships.

Spreading quickly via Snapchat:

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from ‘Back to the Future’ looks when something exciting happens.

Just shared via Messenger:

Welcome to adulthood. Everyone’s tired here.

One man’s worst nightmare (me) is another man’s peace (also me).

2 months ago

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When you realize you're both the tornado and the calm after it 🌪️😂

another, contradiction, humor, irony, me, nightmare, peace, personality, self, worst

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23 shares on TikTok this month:

One or the other, Lord – I can’t be broke and heartbroken.

77 shares on Threads this month:

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple.

49 shares on Threads this month:

Twitter is like talking to yourself in public and some random dude walking by agrees with you.

11 shares on Threads this month:

Peloton guy yelling “two more, one more” but it’s me eating Cheetos.

81 shares on Slack this month:

Big city friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a subway while I sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse.

55 shares on Messenger this month:

If i say “morning!” to you, it does not mean “good morning”, I am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning.

16 shares on LinkedIn this month:

What’s said in the blanket fort, stays in the blanket fort.

31 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Any place is a walkable city if you’re broke enough.

11 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911.

13 shares on Messenger this month:

For the record, I use a turntable.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇦 has copied:

Girls are perverts when they like you.

Someone from 🇵🇬 has downloaded:

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college. The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has copied:

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

Someone from 🇨🇱 has shared:

If you did the weekend right, your coffee needs coffee today.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has copied:

After weeks of using an anti aging cream, I can now proudly say: I now have very well-maintained wrinkles.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has downloaded:

Women don’t pretend anymore to dig for something in their purse and then pull out their middle finger.

Someone from 🇺🇾 has viewed:

Give yourself time to heal. A couple of decades should do it.

Someone from 🇨🇱 has bookmarked:

Opening up is like talking to a cop: anything you say can and will be used against you.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has downloaded:

I don’t care if it’s cliché, I will always enjoy a ‘small town but something messed up is happening’ story.

Someone from 🇬🇾 has downloaded:

Time travel is all well and good, but I feel so stupid right now. None of them have the mustache. No way to tell which baby is Hitler.

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on Discord:

You used to calm me on my cell phone!

Freshly posted on WeChat:

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

Just landed via TikTok:

Maybe Rome was built in a day. I wasn’t there.

Just shared via TikTok:

You try to fart in the toilet in the morning without waking the whole house and thanks to the brilliant acoustics of the toilet bowl, the horn of Gondor sounds.

Just shared via Snapchat:

To-do list: bite the hand that feeds me, put all my eggs in one basket, kill two birds with one stone, let the cat out of the bag, think inside the box, burn bridges, walk on thin ice, play with fire.

Trending via WeChat:

I wish pets lived longer, and life wasn’t so expensive, and cake didn’t make you fat, and people weren’t twats.

Seen just now on Telegram:

Introducing WifeChat™, the app where you talk to your wife.

Making waves on Telegram:

Not to brag, but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!

Trending via Twitch:

I like my coffee so strong that it wakes up the neighbors.

Shared recently on Threads:

I like my bed more than I like most people.

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Activity Log ✨

One man’s worst nightmare (me) is another man’s peace (also me).

“Why don’t you tell us anything anymore?” I’ve updated my privacy policy.

Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle.

If Pokémon were real, state fairs would serve them deep fried on a stick.

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

The number one rule of Thanksgiving dinner is take your own vehicle so you can leave on your own terms.

Ever since I was a little kid, I knew that I wanted to be late for work.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

One man’s worst nightmare (me) is another man’s peace (also me).

Keep the laugh going 😂

“Why don’t you tell us anything anymore?” I’ve updated my privacy policy.

Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle.

If Pokémon were real, state fairs would serve them deep fried on a stick.

It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.

The number one rule of Thanksgiving dinner is take your own vehicle so you can leave on your own terms.

Ever since I was a little kid, I knew that I wanted to be late for work.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨