Optimist: The glass is ½ full. Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty. Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

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I love posting my thoughts on the internet. Now they’re your problem.

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Getting mad at your hair is a whole different kind of angry.

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To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my year book, I have some devastating news.

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Welcome to parenting! The only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

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No one tells you that the older you get, the more often you check your weather app.

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I don’t want to brag but I walked into a room and remembered why I walked in.

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I am so tired ever my tiredness is tired.

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The concept of warding off vampires with crosses is so interesting to me. I wonder if it applies to any other religion or if they’re allergic to just Catholicism.

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Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.

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I would love to be normal, but unfortunately, I was raised by the internet and a microwave.