Just thinking how many animals we had to ride on before we realized horses were ok with it. Posted onMay 25, 2026
If you’re gonna spend so much time in my head, would it kill you to tidy up a bit? Posted onMay 25, 2026May 25, 2026
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Unfortunately, we are in a submarine. Posted onMay 25, 2026
To the people who have only fans, what’s stopping you from upgrading to an air conditioner? Posted onMay 25, 2026
When the executioner asks me what my final words are, I’m just going to start filibustering. Posted onMay 25, 2026
I don’t care what other people think of me, at least mosquitoes find me attractive. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Napping is the best activity for weight loss, because I can’t eat anything when I’m asleep! Posted onMay 25, 2026
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question, but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep. Posted onMay 25, 2026
One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says “Smell this,” it usually smells nice. Posted onMay 25, 2026
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example, I learned I should have married someone else. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car. Posted onMay 25, 2026
That awkward moment when you’ve said “What?” three times, so you just say “Oh, yeah..” even though you have no idea what they said. Posted onMay 25, 2026
Difference between a flirt and harassment: if you are handsome, it’s a flirt, if you are ugly, it’s harassment. Posted onMay 25, 2026
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.” Posted onMay 25, 2026
The trick is to not let people know how weird you are until it’s too late for them to back out. Posted onMay 25, 2026
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real. Posted onMay 25, 2026