Scooby Doo was a woke-ass show. Every villain was just a landlord trying to scare people off their property so they could sell it. Posted onMay 28, 2026
When I was a kid, I thought cicadas were the sound sunshine makes when it’s real hot outside. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Every Jurassic Park movie should end with an insurance adjuster getting a phone call and immediately throwing up. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Gonna toot my own horn here because I made it through another day without turning any of my feelings into felonies. Posted onMay 28, 2026
“I’ll run it by the boss” is one of the peak boomerisms you can say as a married man. It feels electric. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Using a remote to type on a keyboard on the TV is truly one of the worst human experiences that we endure. Posted onMay 28, 2026
“Stop recording everything and just enjoy the moment” is asking me for videos from last night. Posted onMay 28, 2026
WhatsApp needs to remove that “this message was deleted” notification. It’s unnecessary drama. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I hate the person I become when I try to open a package using the ‘Tear Here’ notch, and it stays sealed. Posted onMay 28, 2026
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Before the internet, going viral meant your drawing made it to the fridge, and your sibling was furious. Posted onMay 28, 2026
My teen believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left, and oh, how I laughed and laughed. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I always leave my friends voicemails in case they suddenly decide to be a musician and need an interlude. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I don’t mean to disrupt the hotel industry, but how about checkout is 24 hours after you check in? Posted onMay 28, 2026
I don’t know much, but I do know melancholia is a way cooler diagnosis than depression. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I wish flies spoke English, so I could say, ‘Hey, if you don’t leave right now, I am going to kill you so hard.’ Posted onMay 28, 2026
I’m obsessed with adding a second completely unnecessary tweet to all my tweets, like, oh, you thought I was done. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Scratching the mosquito bite on my foot? Literally orgasmic. This is the kind of stuff that the government doesn’t want you to know. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I wonder if my guardian angel and my future husband’s guardian angel are in a group chat trying to coordinate. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Made a lot of mistakes in my life, but adding more cheese than a recipe calls for isn’t one of them. Posted onMay 28, 2026
The final level of being smart is just pretending you don’t know anything to make your life easier. Posted onMay 28, 2026