Stop giving kids Bible names but no Bible lessons. Moses tried to rob me last night. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Offering friendship as a consolation prize for a failed romantic connection attempt is absolutely cruel. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I hope one day I will sleep before midnight like normal humans do. Every day I sleep tomorrow, even yesterday I slept today. Posted onMay 28, 2026
The Epstein files are real, but they can’t figure out how to convert them to a PDF. Posted onMay 28, 2026
“Do something with your life.” Um, I am. Have you heard of a little thing called squandering? Posted onMay 28, 2026
My favorite part about health insurance is how your teeth and eyeballs are add-ons. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Before I started my own business, I would suffer from anxiety on Sunday nights. But now that I run my own business, I have anxiety every night. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I make sure to post my political opinions after my selfies have gone viral to cull the herd. Posted onMay 28, 2026
One of my biggest faults is that when I ask someone their name, I forget to listen to what their name is. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Hotel elevators are hell for those of us who are small-talk failures. The guy asked me, “You just get in today too?” and I said, “Well, no,” then stood in silence. Posted onMay 28, 2026
It’s my birthday, but I’m not gonna post about it for attention like some kind of loser. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Men used to send love letters in the middle of wars, and now they think reassurance is too much effort. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Did you know that it’s actually possible to say, “I don’t know enough about this to have an opinion”? Posted onMay 28, 2026
Maybe the grass is greener over there because you’re not over there messing it up. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I’m at the age where I won’t make eye contact with someone because they look like a “talker.” Posted onMay 28, 2026
Based on the amount of laundry I wash each week, I’m starting to think there are people who live here that I haven’t met yet. Posted onMay 28, 2026
A marriage is about solving problems together, you know, those problems you wouldn’t have if you were single. Posted onMay 28, 2026
My trauma is between me and this bartender. The rest of you, mind your business. Posted onMay 28, 2026
My toxic trait is binging a show too fast, then getting sad when I have nothing to watch. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Too self-aware for foreplay. I’m so sorry… Take that nurse costume off. I know you didn’t go to med school. Posted onMay 28, 2026