People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

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Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer.

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I like that they put all that stuff outside for you to look at when you’re on a walk.

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Lazy Rule: Can’t reach it, don’t need it.

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If i say “morning!” to you, it does not mean “good morning”, I am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning.

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Never trust people who smile constantly. They’re either selling something or not very bright.

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Did you get that psychic damage I sent you?

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Sorry, I’m late. I was trying to convince a bathroom hand dryer that I exist.

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Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

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I feel like my greatest accomplishment today has been not saying what I’m thinking out loud.