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Pretending to be a well-adjusted, functioning adult is so exhausting.

Pretending to be a well-adjusted, functioning adult is so exhausting.

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Adulting Level: Master… of Naps and Coffee Breaks! โ˜•๐Ÿ˜ด๐Ÿ˜‚



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Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

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I personally feel like I have what it takes to become a fossil.

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Cleaning your glasses is like changing from 360p to 1080p.

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No revenge, but I hope you stutter every time you try to dirty talk with someone.

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Ever since I was little, I always knew I wanted to retire.

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Bruschetta is 80% delicious and 20% mess.

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I like my music at a volume where I can’t hear you.

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Watching true crime documentaries so I can learn from their mistakes.

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I have lived way too many lives for people to think they know everything about me.

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There’s nothing I hate more than a failed nap attempt.

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My favorite thing about summer is opening a window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasnโ€™t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.

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This summer Iโ€™m going cicada mode: emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until I find a mate.

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Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus.

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If you need me, I will be at the library sniffing old books.

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iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while you sleep. Next morning, iPhone: I couldn’t do it, bro. Just didn’t feel right. Vibe was off.

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Pinterest recipe so long that itโ€™s now a limited series on Netflix.

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My nutritionist told me wine doesnโ€™t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

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Believing that pharmaceutical companies want to heal you is like believing a casino wants you to win.

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We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And donโ€™t get me started on what my kids did.

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Iced coffee and crying, the most Californian afternoon.

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