Sometimes life is like a cowshed. You step from one turd into the next.

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I’m so old, I still keep special moments in my heart and not in my Insta story.

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Asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu.

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Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0.

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The Gulf of Mexico should’ve been renamed to Sea Señor.

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Having Christmas off in the middle of the work week and then forcing us to go back to work the next day feels so illegal.

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Problematic bed time gap relationship.

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Establish dominance by eating a salad in front of your indoor plants.

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How do you tell someone that you will probably end up marrying them, but in a casual way?

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If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks. It cost me an arm and a leg!

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Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.