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A sandwich has the power to change your entire life.

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You are not obligated to post a video of yourself dancing.

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Balloons are so weird. “Happy birthday, here’s a plastic sack of my breath.”

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I want a chiropractor to crack my entire body like a glow stick.

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โ€œIt’s been a long week!โ€ Me, on a Tuesday.

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Where did you come from, Where did you go, Where did you come from, Pokรฉmon Go.

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One day youโ€™re young and carefree and the next, youโ€™re preheating the bathroom before you go in for a shower.

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Are you coming to the party? There will be noise and lights but I found a corner for us to hide.

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Every man’s biggest fear is trying a new barber.

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The paintings I always like the most in museums are the ones that have a bench.

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Sorry Iโ€™m late. I was scraping the clearance tag off your Christmas present.

Sorry Iโ€™m late. I was scraping the clearance tag off your Christmas present.

Commentary:
"No worries, I had time to admire the clearance tag art on your gift ๐Ÿท๏ธ๐ŸŽ Better late than never, right? ๐Ÿ˜„"



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