The ideal girlfriend breaks your heart, so you go on to do great things.

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I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.

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Your secrets are safe with me. I wasn’t even listening.

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Imagine hating me, and I’m just over here pumping gas until the dollar amount ends with 0.

Someone from 🇫🇮 has copied:

Every time you give someone the benefit, they deliver the doubt.

Someone from 🇫🇲 has downloaded:

Alcohol is a vicious cycle: regret, recovery, repeat.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has downloaded:

You should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower.

Someone from 🇻🇺 has downloaded:

Deleting dating apps to meet someone the old-fashioned way (in the HR department).

Someone from 🇮🇹 has downloaded:

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

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I know life can be tough, but you still gotta wear deodorant.

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Nothing fixes your life the way deactivating Instagram does.