The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

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WW3: I can’t fire my weapon unless I first watch a 15-second unskippable ad for Raid Shadow Legends.

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An introvert walked into a bar. Just kidding. The introvert stayed home.

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I’m staying up past midnight this New Year’s eve. Not to welcome the new year, but to make sure this one is over.

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Having no one to talk would get you a good sleeping schedule.

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As a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends. As an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

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I never oversleep in the mornings. I set an alarm and a back-up alarm. Plus, there’s also a noisy kid once those fail.

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And then the vodka whispered, “Say what you really think.”

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If I go missing and you put my weight on that poster, I swear I’m not coming back.

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Who’s up thinking about the crushing weight of existence?

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99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much”.