33 funny figure quotes - Wordgag

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up.

May 23, 2026

Sometimes being a woman is just trying to figure out if you’re hormonally sad, seasonally sad, or genuinely falling apart.

May 23, 2026

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

May 22, 2026

I’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is.

May 22, 2026

Washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating.

May 22, 2026

As you get older, nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. Like, I don’t know what to tell you, dude, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations.

May 22, 2026

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

May 22, 2026

I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that.

May 22, 2026

I have a huge to-do list, I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it.

May 21, 2026

Twitter is cool because you can figure out what’s going on in the world through memes instead of watching the news.

May 19, 2026

I regret to inform you that we must all once again figure out what to make for dinner tonight.

May 19, 2026

I need to figure out what I’m going to wear to the couch on New Year’s Eve.

Apr 1, 2026

For Christmas, I’d like to figure it all out.

Apr 1, 2026

Just realized John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have the same middle name.

Apr 1, 2026

Figure skating is so niche that sometimes I walk in the rink, and there’s an Olympic medalist there.

Apr 1, 2026

Took a break from Twitter for my mental health, so I’d figure I’d come back to ruin it again.

Apr 1, 2026

I always figure it out on my own, I just need to panic first.

Apr 1, 2026

If you can figure out how to configure your default state to be slightly amused rather than slightly annoyed, you pretty much enter God Mode.

Mar 31, 2026

The Epstein files are real, but they can’t figure out how to convert them to a PDF.

Mar 31, 2026

Can I come over and figure you out?

Mar 31, 2026

It turns out, as you get older, you don’t actually figure anything out; you just don’t have any energy to care anymore.

Mar 30, 2026

They hooked up tubes and sensors, but the doctor still can’t figure out why my kisses are so sweet. They want to hold me overnight and “never let go.”

Mar 30, 2026

Being old is basically trying to figure out what part of the body the noise is coming from, and why.

Mar 30, 2026

Absent father sucks, but have you met the final boss, the father who is actually in your life every day but emotionally unavailable, lol.

Mar 30, 2026

When I try to figure out rows vs. columns, I just row away in my boat of confusion!

Mar 29, 2026

The smarter you are, the more important it is for you to figure out how to think less.

Mar 29, 2026

Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.

Mar 28, 2026

Imagine how organized the first person to write down a recipe must have been.

Mar 28, 2026

I see no action figures, puzzles, or board games. I thought you said you wanted to play with me.

Mar 27, 2026

You don’t scare me. You’re not a parking garage that I can’t figure out how to get out of.

Mar 27, 2026

Not opening up anymore, have fun trying to figure me out.

Mar 27, 2026

I’ve got the longest to-do list for today, just need to figure out who is going to do it.

Mar 27, 2026

No crypto for me, thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.

Mar 26, 2026