The more you embrace your crazy side, the more fun life becomes.

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After a month away and enough pasta to scare an Italian grandma, I can confirm: too much Parmesan? Never heard of her.

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Reading for pleasure implies the existence of reading for pain. They’re calling it a PhD.

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As I get older, I’m understanding why everything needs to be done before 12 p.m.

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Of course, a wife can complain to her mother-in-law. She has every right to complain to the manufacturer.

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Stranger: Your children are angels. Me: So was the devil.

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Professor: Most of you won’t pass this course. Me: Cool, so you’re like, real shitty at your job.

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I’m not athletic, but I’m good at jumping to conclusions.

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I may be a beginner at some things, but I have a black belt in shopping.

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Born to hate people. Somehow ended up in customer service.

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There should be a good 10 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.