There’s a rhyming Italian expression for saying “take it or leave it” that goes “o mangi questa minestra o salti dalla finestra”. It means “either eat this soup or throw yourself out the window”.

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My wife just admitted a mistake. What do I have to do now? What does this mean for my future? Help me!

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When is someone actually going to change the surprise in the avocado? This hard core is kind of a stupid toy.

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Some people change their faces like traffic lights change their lights.

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When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

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Blaming the full moon for whatever unhinged decision I make tonight.

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If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales.

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The only men you can trust is ramen.

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Dating again after you break up with a long-term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again, except with less health.

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People always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. Whenever I do that, my Uber driver yells at me.

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Scientists say humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for four months, so who’s really ahead.