Tomorrow isn’t promised, so eat that cake today.

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I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

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Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.

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When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

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Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private.

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It’s a little ironic when you consider that the Internet was invented to save time.

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I will be posting telepathically on all social media today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.

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Got my dog microchipped, so if he runs away, I can just press a button, and he’ll explode.

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Remember before social media you would have to pick up the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon?

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Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has downloaded:

20s: LOL! 30s: OMG! 40s: WTF!