Went to the hairdresser today and now I look much younger. I’m thinking about going back tomorrow.

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Dear brain, please stop thinking so much exactly when it’s time to fall asleep.

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Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

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I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

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Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here.

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“You’ve changed!” Yeah, I don’t like you.

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I don’t understand, but I also don’t care, so it works out.

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If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.

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Cupid’s arrow should have just killed me instead.

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Hello bedtime my old friend, my brain is laughing once again.

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I don’t think inside the box and I don’t think outside the box. I don’t even know where the box is.