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Home Funny Quotes “Would you like to check your account balance?” God no. My balance is none of my business.

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Old people get so mad when you’re young and tired.

5 days ago

I love saying “why would I lie” when I’m lying.

5 days ago

Once you find a pair of pants that fit you perfectly, it’s over for all your other pants.

5 days ago

Now I know why my dad used to wake up at 4AM and just sit at the kitchen table for an hour.

5 days ago

Men will ruin your whole life then come back and like your story.

5 days ago

I keep myself humble by messing up all the time.

5 days ago

Tomorrow isn’t promised, we need to flirt today.

5 days ago

Is it possible to die of horniness? Asking for a friend.

5 days ago

The real morning people are the ones that wake up to call radio stations.

5 days ago

I assume fish have beautiful names for eachother, unpronounceable by human tongues.

5 days ago

Being a woman is trying to guess what the hell is going on with your body three times a week.

5 days ago

Pinterest algorithm is like a loving dad who fills the whole fridge with oranges after seeing you enjoy one.

5 days ago

They need to invent a job for people who aren’t good at anything nor motivated nor social.

5 days ago

The cost of living has gotten so high, I’m thinking about having a nap for dinner.

5 days ago

“Stop bouncing your leg!” It’s either this or I start screaming.

5 days ago