You’re not a knight in shining armor, you’re just a knob in Under Armour.

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What doesn’t kill you gives you a twisted, dark sense of humor.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has bookmarked:

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

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Never vacuuming so I don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome.

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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

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IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

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My boss told me to show initiative, so I decided to finish work early.

Someone from 🇿🇲 has downloaded:

This summer I’m going cicada mode: emerging briefly from my house and being really loud until I find a mate.

Someone from 🇲🇪 has downloaded:

I’m going to be real pissed if I get my shit together and the world ends.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has downloaded:

Blocking isn’t enough. I wanna throw tomatoes at you like you’re a medieval criminal.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has downloaded:

Diabetes was the God of sugar.