Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

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I used to be cool and now I say things like “It’s so loud in here, I can’t hear myself think”.

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I generally don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I’m really good at it.

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I should go to jail so I can focus on the gym.

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Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying. And I can cry without chopping an onion.

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Don’t date coworkers. Being the hot coworker nobody at work has a chance with is always the best role to play.

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The era where you dropped your phone and your battery flew out was just crazy.

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Who you are when you’re stuck behind a slow driver is the real you.

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You can tell a lot about a person by breaking into their home and going through their belongings.

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Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back.

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My rapper name would be 2 stressd.