Science has enough bodies, I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit.

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Not to brag, but no one has ever accused me of trying too hard.

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Confucius says: “Those who drink a lot die earlier, but have seen twice as much in life.”

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As per my last curse, I have no interest in this.

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I used to have this mental illness where I thought logical arguments would change someone’s mind.

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Are you okay, babe? You’ve barely moved in mysterious ways recently.

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The worst part about waking up is all the remembering.

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My body snaps, crackles, and pops louder than my cereal.

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I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

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At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.

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Have you tried making guacamole about it?