A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.

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Running feels great until you compare it to not running.

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Shoutout to drug dealers for teaching the metric system to Americans.

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I’m a “I have an appointment later, so I can’t do anything else for the rest of the day” kind of person.

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Let’s ride this misunderstanding into the sunset.

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Whoops, lost myself for about eight years there.

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I’m sorry for the things I said when I was running late due to circumstances completely within my control.

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The two types of video games are kill everything that moves and Microsoft Excel.

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Ladies, don’t date hungry guys. They’re just trying to get into your pantries.

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The amount I’m sighing these days could fuel a small wind farm.

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I’m awake and working. Please respect my privacy during these trying and emotional times.