Washing my hands in the sink and then wiping them on my cat, like a towel.

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Don’t be ashamed to fart while you urinate, cause there is no rain without thunder.

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Doing an hour of self-care after 23 hours of self-destruction.

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I hope your day is as nice as my ass.

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I hate when my cat runs into my bedroom and hisses at an empty chair, then runs back out again; and I then have to fall asleep holding a crucifix.

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I be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb.

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Is ChatGPT down for anyone else? I’m a neurosurgeon in the middle of brain surgery.

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I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do.

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I’ll be like “it is what it is” and almost vomit from anxiety.

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At least 80% of my day is spent holding back my inappropriate thoughts.

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Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.