If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online, it’s not that I lied; it’s just that I failed.

Someone from 🇱🇧 has copied:

When I’m in a good mood, I go to my blocked list and release one or two prisoners.

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We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

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“Where did all your money go?” I’m either wearing it or eating it.

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“Don’t take this the wrong way!” Translation: Prepare for insult.

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If you wear glasses, we expect a lot from you academically, especially if your glasses have a rope.

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You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”.

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Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ’Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.

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I signed up to the gym a few months ago and still don’t see any results. I’ll go by there this weekend and ask what’s going on.

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Weirdos gonna weird.

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Imagine hating me, and I’m just here unloading my dishwasher.