When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.

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“She’s so self-centered.” Who’s supposed to be the center of my life? You?

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Let’s drink some whiskey and say too much.

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At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

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The lion does not concern himself with attaching a cover letter.

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I’ve got a headache, and it’s affecting my entire future.

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Life hack: You can’t be sad if you are asleep.

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You’re not stuck in traffic. You are traffic.

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Raisins also have wrinkles and are still sweet.

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If you’re soft, don’t come to my house, cause my kids will roast you.

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Nearly choked on a carrot. A donut would never do that to me.