If my toddler doesn’t sleep again tonight, I’m running away into the forest.

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At the self-checkout, I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up.

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You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing.

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Maybe aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

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The world is in chaos, confess to your crush!

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No, no, I’m listening, it just takes me some time to process so much stupidity all at once.

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Woke up, twerked in the mirror and laid back down.

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It sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing, because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice.

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Your fingers have fingertips, but your toes don’t have toetips. Yet, you can tiptoe but not tipfinger.

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I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

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Are you a software update, because not now!