I don’t trust anyone who gets enraged over messed-up fast food orders.

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Sometimes, after I’ve completed a task that wasn’t on my to-do list, I’ll add it and then cross it off for the free dopamine boost.

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Men love to show you a YouTube video. It is a sign of deep respect in their culture.

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Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

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I wonder how much time The Weeknd saves not typing that extra e.

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I miss you (the money I spent).

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Imagine how organized the first person to write down a recipe must have been.

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One day I’ll do amazing things. Today I’ll be satisfied if I don’t spill food on my lap.

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Mrs. Doubtfire is my favorite movie about violating a custody agreement.

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What doesn’t kill you gives you a twisted, dark sense of humor.

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When someone dies people say “he’s going to meet his Maker”. No he’s not. God doesn’t mingle with the staff.