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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇲🇲 has bookmarked:

People need to understand the difference between want and need. Like, I want abs, but I need chocolate.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has viewed:

Boys say that girls are dramatic, but have you ever plucked a man’s eyebrow? They act like they’ve been shot.

Someone from 🇵🇹 has bookmarked:

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has bookmarked:

“Are you getting your period?” God forbid I’m just evil.

Someone from 🇿🇦 has downloaded:

I think my dad just eradicated a small village with his sneeze.

Someone from 🇧🇾 has shared:

Girl cats get named after ancient goddesses and boy cats get named after Taco Bell menu items.

Someone from 🇸🇨 has copied:

The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton.

Someone from 🇹🇻 has shared:

I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has downloaded:

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton.

Someone from 🇳🇴 has downloaded:

Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

2087 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

12,249

Funny Quotes Topics

14,988

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Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Facebook:

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Live now on Reddit:

Have you ever “accidentally” eaten a family sized bag of chips?

Shared recently on Telegram:

Some days you’re the bat, some days you’re the ball.

Shared recently on Twitch:

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac!?

Spotted on Threads:

If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house?

Seen just now on Telegram:

From now on, I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy just for their visit. It was hard, but I got it done.

Freshly posted on Reddit:

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but I do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so I can hear better.

Just landed via Snapchat:

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this DM finds you well.

Trending via Facebook:

When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you.

Reported on WhatsApp:

Wiping my hands on my pants before I’m shaking someone’s hand, so they spend the rest of the day wondering what I just touched.

Maybe the grass is greener over there because you’re not over there messing it up.

12 hours ago

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Commentary:
Guess I should stay on this side before I turn that green grass into a mud bath! 🌱🙈🤣

advice, comparison, environment, grass, greener, humor, maybe, mess, over, perspective

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Someone from 🇲🇽 has viewed:

Diet tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any.

Someone from 🇲🇱 has shared:

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

Someone from 🇹🇼 has shared:

I got 3 miles in before breakfast. That’s enough driving for the day.

Someone from 🇯🇵 has copied:

Hey (with the intention of going to sleep).

Someone from 🇲🇽 has shared:

Is there an app yet that converts voice messages into text messages?

Someone from 🇰🇬 has downloaded:

Instead of calling it the John I’m going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

Someone from 🇷🇸 has viewed:

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought so many socks online last night.

Someone from 🇸🇱 has copied:

Before sleeping, most people will imagine stuff they want to happen. Like sleeping.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has viewed:

As someone who lives on earth, rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid, I’m intrigued.

Someone from 🇱🇾 has shared:

When you tickle a man to death by accident, it is manslaughter.

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Reddit:

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with fake tan.

Trending via TikTok:

I said when I retire, I would travel. I just didn’t expect it to be to the doctors.

Shared recently on Instagram:

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

Shared recently on X:

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing in front of the rotisserie chicken at Costco.

Shared recently on X:

I’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (I love you)

Just landed via TikTok:

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like.

Just shared via Reddit:

Being a parent means hearing a noise at 3 a.m. and hoping it’s just a ghost and not your toddler getting up again.

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

Cool things happen when you start hanging out outside a lot. Animals just appear and stuff.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

Person: gives compliment. Me: let me give you a brief synopsis of why you are sorely mistaken.

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Maybe the grass is greener over there because you’re not over there messing it up.

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Trending Funny Quotes 📈

The way some people hold their cell phone to make a call, I always think they’re trying to take a bite out of a sandwich.

Computers used to scream out in pain when we connected to the internet. This was a warning and we did not heed it.

I only obey the traffic rules to get on other peoples’ nerves.

Less is more, unless it’s kindness, sleep, or toilet paper.

Online shopping gives me a reason to live for another 3-5 business days.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

“The engine light is on!” Yeah, that means it’s working.

Adulting means growing hair in places you’re not supposed to and losing hair in places you don’t want to.

Do I need to have seen the Tokyo Olympics in order to understand the Paris ones?

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us.

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0.

Fitbits are just Tamagotchis, except the stupid animal you’re trying to keep alive is you.

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up early so she can bite you excitedly.

If you only watched reality TV dating shows, you would probably estimate the number of people who work in medical device sales in the United States to be approximately 80,000,000.

I’m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

I hate starting new relationships. I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

Bruschetta is 80% delicious and 20% mess.

Nutrition labels should include an “What if I ate the whole thing” section.

My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth.

Good morning to everyone — except me, because I clearly didn’t get enough sleep.

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