Just pulled a Werther’s Original out of my pocket, like I’m 87 years old.

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Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

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Nobody stresses a woman out more than a man who isn’t her man yet.

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Toilets are not a crime scene, traces may be removed!

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People never run off to join the circus anymore.

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Getting paid to sleep would be such a dream job.

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Remember: The first step to recovery is addiction.

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Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves at the same time he does.

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I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself.

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Third wheeling with two girls who are best friends is so much worse than third wheeling a couple.

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“Fries or salad?” sums up every adult decision you have to make.