All of my problems boil down to me being bad at being alive.

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Hi, I’m making some changes in my life. If you don’t hear from me, you are one of them.

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Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them. Coincidence? I think not.

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I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

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We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology.

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Every time my kids start whining, I get the urge to call my mom and apologize.

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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

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My theory is that women’s voices contain frequencies that men simply can’t hear.

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I haven’t had sex in so long, I forgot how to moan, what if I mess up and bark?

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Self-checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait.

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I think it’s clear that companies making medicine have no idea what fruits taste like.