Chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing.

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I know it’s bad, and you’ve got to shut it down right away, but is there anything more hilarious than a swearing toddler?

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Beer is like weed for people with jobs.

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I can’t wait until I’m old enough to pretend I can’t hear.

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Just heard my knee crack so loud I expected it to glow in the dark.

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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

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The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes.

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You ever meet an all-male friend group that is less a group of friends than it is “one guy and his henchmen”?

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No, you don’t understand. This is my special mistake. I keep making it because it is very dear to me, like an old friend.

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I am so incredibly tired today. I think my shelf life has expired.

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She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.