Don’t worry, baby, the back pain is because your wings are growing.

24 shares on Threads this month:

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up on the couch.

12 shares on Pinterest this month:

Sometimes I see how many vacations people take and I wonder if I’m bad with money or if they are.

78 shares on YouTube this month:

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

46 shares on Facebook this month:

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years.

18 shares on Discord this month:

Therapy? I have Spotify.

49 shares on Messenger this month:

My laundry is done, but I don’t even want it anymore. The washing machine can keep it.

10 shares on Instagram this month:

They’re bluffing when they say you can still get knocked off the nice list this late in the game. Santa’s been delivering gifts in Japan for hours by now; that list is locked. Do whatever you want.

58 shares on WeChat this month:

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but I think people who say ‘I don’t know who needs to hear this’ know exactly who needed to hear it.

29 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

18 shares on Snapchat this month:

Some of you need to clean your room before you take a selfie.