Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2300 words.

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Optimist: The glass is ½ full. Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty. Excel: The glass is January 2nd.

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If caterpillars are able to sleep for a long time and come out prettier, why cant I?

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Commenting “what about us?” on all Valentine pics this year.

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I don’t understand baby oil. What are we greasing up all those babies for?

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Every room is a panic room if someone farts.

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There aren’t enough rap songs about cutting coupons.

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When I’m president, everyone who listens to techno, house or rap will be allowed to drive a little faster than others.

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According to the amount of bacon I just cooked, I’m 4 people.

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I only obey the traffic rules to get on other peoples’ nerves.

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Our neighbor complained that our cat is always running through his garden. My father said: “Okay, I’ll tell her.”